I have a kid (14) who is autistic and his autistic identity is whiplash for him. On one hand he really does get along with other ND people better - all of his friends are - and it helps him normalize his own situation as someone who is just fundamentally different in a core way than what other people and society as a whole expects. If th…
I have a kid (14) who is autistic and his autistic identity is whiplash for him. On one hand he really does get along with other ND people better - all of his friends are - and it helps him normalize his own situation as someone who is just fundamentally different in a core way than what other people and society as a whole expects. If that were the whole deal he would wear the flag publicly. On the other hand he’s quite aware of how people sink into self blame behind the label and how the whole label and diagnosis situation attracts a bunch of “helpers” who are really uncomfortable with him being himself even if it’s not bothering anyone, and who look at him in a condescending way almost as a project. In the end he just wants what most people want- he wants his normal to be accepted as normal.
As far as I can tell they generally know something's up. Autism and the various copes/trauma reactions/etc. that go with it are much more visible than we think from the inside.
I've been where your kid is. And I know it's really uncomfortable when other people bring up my diagnosis -- even though it becomes pretty obvious pretty quickly.
That said... and I can't speak for your kid, only myself, but this might be of some use to you. I don't think it's so much that I want to be treated as "normal", though it's something close to that. I want to be treated as "fundamentally competent". I want people to trust that, in most matters most of the time, I can handle things as well as any other person. (Which, yes, requires some effort on my part to ensure that is true!)
Thats at least partially true and he does want to feel competent. “Normal” was his word by the way.
The situation with kids is maybe different because people reach out to help in ways that he finds extremely condescending. (And I agree.) As a kid it’s hard to get away from some of these people (they can be your teachers for example).
That's a really interesting story and I think it highlights something underdiscussed - that if you're a "divergent" person you're prone to attract "typical" people who are into seeing you as a project. If you make your diagnosis a big part of your personality, you'll truly attract those type of people. In my opinion, from my experience having ADHD and anxiety that's almost like PTSD, the more I'm vocal about it being "part of me," the more I get a weird clinical "project" type adoration from people.
When we see people performing their diagnosis-identity, we're seeing someone in the honeymoon phase of discovering the levels of validation they can get. I think we're basically seeing snapshots of a million people before they start to see how little that validation will do for them in the long run.
Oh yeah. I see that. I think I've felt something like this - I can remember, when I was in my teens and twenties especially, this confusion over the fact that some people give me less attention but feel like my real friends, while other people give me a lot of attention, making me feel like "oh wow is this what friendship is supposed to be like," and then getting tired of me in a way that my other "less attentive" friends didn't.
Yeah, I think it is about that, and I also think that that practice of justifying why you think you're above criticism... I think that's part of it. I think it's one of the many aspects of this that feels good but then has severely diminishing returns after the honeymoon phase, resulting in a thing where people who get over it just stop posting about it and are in turn replaced by more people in the honeymoon phase who want to post about it.
I think there is a revolving door but there are a number of people who need the validation so much that they grasp it very tightly and it becomes their identity.
I have a kid (14) who is autistic and his autistic identity is whiplash for him. On one hand he really does get along with other ND people better - all of his friends are - and it helps him normalize his own situation as someone who is just fundamentally different in a core way than what other people and society as a whole expects. If that were the whole deal he would wear the flag publicly. On the other hand he’s quite aware of how people sink into self blame behind the label and how the whole label and diagnosis situation attracts a bunch of “helpers” who are really uncomfortable with him being himself even if it’s not bothering anyone, and who look at him in a condescending way almost as a project. In the end he just wants what most people want- he wants his normal to be accepted as normal.
As far as I can tell they generally know something's up. Autism and the various copes/trauma reactions/etc. that go with it are much more visible than we think from the inside.
I've been where your kid is. And I know it's really uncomfortable when other people bring up my diagnosis -- even though it becomes pretty obvious pretty quickly.
That said... and I can't speak for your kid, only myself, but this might be of some use to you. I don't think it's so much that I want to be treated as "normal", though it's something close to that. I want to be treated as "fundamentally competent". I want people to trust that, in most matters most of the time, I can handle things as well as any other person. (Which, yes, requires some effort on my part to ensure that is true!)
Thats at least partially true and he does want to feel competent. “Normal” was his word by the way.
The situation with kids is maybe different because people reach out to help in ways that he finds extremely condescending. (And I agree.) As a kid it’s hard to get away from some of these people (they can be your teachers for example).
That's a really interesting story and I think it highlights something underdiscussed - that if you're a "divergent" person you're prone to attract "typical" people who are into seeing you as a project. If you make your diagnosis a big part of your personality, you'll truly attract those type of people. In my opinion, from my experience having ADHD and anxiety that's almost like PTSD, the more I'm vocal about it being "part of me," the more I get a weird clinical "project" type adoration from people.
When we see people performing their diagnosis-identity, we're seeing someone in the honeymoon phase of discovering the levels of validation they can get. I think we're basically seeing snapshots of a million people before they start to see how little that validation will do for them in the long run.
Oh yeah. I see that. I think I've felt something like this - I can remember, when I was in my teens and twenties especially, this confusion over the fact that some people give me less attention but feel like my real friends, while other people give me a lot of attention, making me feel like "oh wow is this what friendship is supposed to be like," and then getting tired of me in a way that my other "less attentive" friends didn't.
Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure I've been a part of that dynamic plenty of times back in the day!
Hmm. I think you’re on to something.
At the very least it’s about clearing a lane so that you can be vocal and above personal criticism.
Yeah, I think it is about that, and I also think that that practice of justifying why you think you're above criticism... I think that's part of it. I think it's one of the many aspects of this that feels good but then has severely diminishing returns after the honeymoon phase, resulting in a thing where people who get over it just stop posting about it and are in turn replaced by more people in the honeymoon phase who want to post about it.
I think there is a revolving door but there are a number of people who need the validation so much that they grasp it very tightly and it becomes their identity.