I have recently read a book about depression by the boss. It was transporting. You should read it. Depression was the first way my brain chemistry got in touch with me. When I was 18, 19, I first got acquainted with it. I had crushing depression, grinding depression when I was a young man. But my family had just disintegrated at that point and I did not have a vocabulary for what I was feeling. I didn't feel like depression. It just felt like mourning.
I too experience it as something clarifying. I've seen people describe depression as a fog, but that's not quite it to me; sure, you can somehow abjure it into a dissipate smoke if you frantically wave your arms through it to try to live a normal life, to order a coffee, to smirk at a friend's joke, to show up at work on time. But the second you stop that mad flailing, it's back. Thump. It's a solid state again. It's a big red stop sign across the world, no matter which way you turn. It's bubbling in your guts and twitching in your tendons and hammering your head.
Like yours, mine comes and goes, less severe than in the past but certainly more frequent. Guilt accrues with age, I find. Worthlessness isn't mitigated by accomplishment or kisses. Sadness isn't increased by events. It's all inside, all of it.
Add me to the list of people that hopped up on this post from the recent digest, I guess.
My depression has been mostly situational in relation to life circumstances (once due to an extremely unpleasant and painful illness, and once due to a life circumstance that seemed absolutely shattering at the time but seems almost tragicomically trivial now that I look back on it). I am agnostic on whether depression can have biochemical beginnings out of nowhere, but I can definitely attest to its biochemical effects.
There were only two positive things about depression that I can think of:
1. Having experienced it once, I did everything in my power to change my life trajectory so that it could never happen to me again, which is more or less what transformed me from a postcollege slacker living at home to a postcollege slacker but with a productive job who didn't need to live at home because of financial constraints (although being able to save on rent when covid obviated the need to physically be at work certainly helped).
2. It was an extremely effective way to lose weight. Note that "extremely effective" here does not imply "recommended".
There is certainly more to depression than can be easily explained and treated; but in my experience spending some significant time outside in natural areas where there are few people but there are beautiful and appealing landscapes and vistas… it can help do a “reset”. I think it is both calmingly therapeutic and helps to re-level perspectives about the world and existence/life. There are some theories that the disconnection of people from the land is at least partially contributing to depression and other mental health challenges. Maybe tech has put more people over the line that might otherwise function okay as a city dweller.
I too experience it as something clarifying. I've seen people describe depression as a fog, but that's not quite it to me; sure, you can somehow abjure it into a dissipate smoke if you frantically wave your arms through it to try to live a normal life, to order a coffee, to smirk at a friend's joke, to show up at work on time. But the second you stop that mad flailing, it's back. Thump. It's a solid state again. It's a big red stop sign across the world, no matter which way you turn. It's bubbling in your guts and twitching in your tendons and hammering your head.
Like yours, mine comes and goes, less severe than in the past but certainly more frequent. Guilt accrues with age, I find. Worthlessness isn't mitigated by accomplishment or kisses. Sadness isn't increased by events. It's all inside, all of it.
Add me to the list of people that hopped up on this post from the recent digest, I guess.
My depression has been mostly situational in relation to life circumstances (once due to an extremely unpleasant and painful illness, and once due to a life circumstance that seemed absolutely shattering at the time but seems almost tragicomically trivial now that I look back on it). I am agnostic on whether depression can have biochemical beginnings out of nowhere, but I can definitely attest to its biochemical effects.
There were only two positive things about depression that I can think of:
1. Having experienced it once, I did everything in my power to change my life trajectory so that it could never happen to me again, which is more or less what transformed me from a postcollege slacker living at home to a postcollege slacker but with a productive job who didn't need to live at home because of financial constraints (although being able to save on rent when covid obviated the need to physically be at work certainly helped).
2. It was an extremely effective way to lose weight. Note that "extremely effective" here does not imply "recommended".
There is certainly more to depression than can be easily explained and treated; but in my experience spending some significant time outside in natural areas where there are few people but there are beautiful and appealing landscapes and vistas… it can help do a “reset”. I think it is both calmingly therapeutic and helps to re-level perspectives about the world and existence/life. There are some theories that the disconnection of people from the land is at least partially contributing to depression and other mental health challenges. Maybe tech has put more people over the line that might otherwise function okay as a city dweller.