I’m fairly certain that I didn’t invent the term “deprivation model,” and definitely didn’t invent the concept. But I find it an essential idea. The deprivation model is the theory of human (heterosexual) romantic and sexual relationships in which men want sex but women don’t want to give it to them. It’s the ages-old and durable conceit that men are beings that desire sex, women are beings that are desired, and this relationship is only consummated under unusual circumstances in which the man charms or tricks the women into participating. The “deprivation” in deprivation model refers to how men are portrayed in a culture where this attitude is prevalent, that they’re deprived and desperate, that the default state for them as men is to want and not to get. And in a perverse way, that sense of deprivation leads some men to feel entitled to sex. This is all in contrast to the possibility of a culture that recognizes the legitimacy of women’s sexual desire, treats it as normal and valid in and of itself, and in asserting the ubiquity of that desire insists on both the absolute requirement to respect a woman’s “no” and also on the normalcy of her saying “yes.”
Great article. As I was reading it, i was thinking how wonderful this would be to send to my children. I have three adult children, one married, one in a serious hetero relationship, and one gay. I don't perceive that there's a gay analogue to your observations, but if there is, I'd be curious to hear it.
Also, on moves and TV, the show "Euphoria" definitely escapes the meme you write about.
And yet, from a biological point of view, spreading your seed far and wide as a guy is probably a good strategy. Women on the other hand benefit by being choosy.
For a future post, maybe you could write about the sexualization of children and how that's becoming normalized, as evidenced by your picture (and many, many, many others).
I don't think this is dynamic is at work that much anymore.
Hate to use the 'n word' but but we have a pretty well developed neoliberal marketplace for sexual partners.
If you're attractive, smart, have a high salary, etc. as a male you're likely to have access to a number of sexual partners. If you are at the far end of the tail, more than you can reasonably pay attention to. The gamification of this process with apps worsens it.
And I do think that most women in most circumstances want to be paid attention to by their sexual partner... They do want that.
So we have a problem where as a guy in your 20s or 30s you may have a ton of sexual partners, the women are likely to get frustrated, and then maybe a third of guys won't have sexual partners at all. As a guy in your 20s it is certainly likely that you will be interested in a certain proportion of women sexually but have no interest or time for anything else.
This abates as the men with lots of partners get bored of being single and want to have kids and pick one woman.
This shitty norm is also equally perpetuated by both genders. The way women carefully police each other's sexuality (especially the sexuality of more conventionally attractive women) and how it relates to their social status and hierarchy often undermines their claims of being "sex positive feminists." Even sadder is that women reapond to the judgement of their peers before their own preferences in many cases, and then wonder why their socially valuable good looking boy is turning out to be so wretched. Standard disclaimer about this being general and how individual exceptions of all sorts exist and blah blah lets skip the tedious pedantry today please.
Until very recently the result of sex for women was often unwanted pregnancy. It's not been but a bit over a generation that women had agency over the results of sexual encounters . If a woman would take a risk before birth control, that risk was likely to be with a potential long-term partner--not a casual encounter. Pregnancy as a result of sex does not seem to be a concern for most men, but it is a concern for most women.
Odds that this one will be mocked and misrepresented on Twitter are off the charts, but they all are
Great article. As I was reading it, i was thinking how wonderful this would be to send to my children. I have three adult children, one married, one in a serious hetero relationship, and one gay. I don't perceive that there's a gay analogue to your observations, but if there is, I'd be curious to hear it.
Also, on moves and TV, the show "Euphoria" definitely escapes the meme you write about.
And yet, from a biological point of view, spreading your seed far and wide as a guy is probably a good strategy. Women on the other hand benefit by being choosy.
For a future post, maybe you could write about the sexualization of children and how that's becoming normalized, as evidenced by your picture (and many, many, many others).
I don't think this is dynamic is at work that much anymore.
Hate to use the 'n word' but but we have a pretty well developed neoliberal marketplace for sexual partners.
If you're attractive, smart, have a high salary, etc. as a male you're likely to have access to a number of sexual partners. If you are at the far end of the tail, more than you can reasonably pay attention to. The gamification of this process with apps worsens it.
And I do think that most women in most circumstances want to be paid attention to by their sexual partner... They do want that.
So we have a problem where as a guy in your 20s or 30s you may have a ton of sexual partners, the women are likely to get frustrated, and then maybe a third of guys won't have sexual partners at all. As a guy in your 20s it is certainly likely that you will be interested in a certain proportion of women sexually but have no interest or time for anything else.
This abates as the men with lots of partners get bored of being single and want to have kids and pick one woman.
But I get why many men and women are frustrated.
This shitty norm is also equally perpetuated by both genders. The way women carefully police each other's sexuality (especially the sexuality of more conventionally attractive women) and how it relates to their social status and hierarchy often undermines their claims of being "sex positive feminists." Even sadder is that women reapond to the judgement of their peers before their own preferences in many cases, and then wonder why their socially valuable good looking boy is turning out to be so wretched. Standard disclaimer about this being general and how individual exceptions of all sorts exist and blah blah lets skip the tedious pedantry today please.
I think your theory is overly influenced by the fact that peak Freddie was probably in the top 10% of attractiveness.
From what I can tell - men will hit on 65% of 25 year old women. A guy needs to be in the top 5% or 10% to get that kind of attention.
Until very recently the result of sex for women was often unwanted pregnancy. It's not been but a bit over a generation that women had agency over the results of sexual encounters . If a woman would take a risk before birth control, that risk was likely to be with a potential long-term partner--not a casual encounter. Pregnancy as a result of sex does not seem to be a concern for most men, but it is a concern for most women.
Have you seen Booksmart? It's a horny teen movie *and* the horny protagonists are girls. It's a fun movie.