The Deprivation Model Hurts Us All

I’m fairly certain that I didn’t invent the term “deprivation model,” and definitely didn’t invent the concept. But I find it an essential idea. The deprivation model is the theory of human (heterosexual) romantic and sexual relationships in which men want sex but women don’t want to give it to them. It’s the ages-old and durable conceit that men are beings that desire sex, women are beings that are desired, and this relationship is only consummated under unusual circumstances in which the man charms or tricks the women into participating. The “deprivation” in deprivation model refers to how men are portrayed in a culture where this attitude is prevalent, that they’re deprived and desperate, that the default state for them as men is to want and not to get. And in a perverse way, that sense of deprivation leads some men to feel entitled to sex. This is all in contrast to the possibility of a culture that recognizes the legitimacy of women’s sexual desire, treats it as normal and valid in and of itself, and in asserting the ubiquity of that desire insists on both the absolute requirement to respect a woman’s “no” and also on the normalcy of her saying “yes.”

The idea that men want and women are wanted is a commonplace. There are entire industries built around it, pickup artist stuff and The Rules and dating shows and Instagram memes and more, but I think the place where the deprivation model has been most relentlessly reinforced is in teen movies. They don’t really make horny teen comedies anymore (they barely make comedies at all), but you can look at dozens of classics where the deprivation model is a theme, if not the theme - Meatballs, Porky’s, Weird Science, Revenge of the Nerds, Can’t Hardly Wait, American Pie, Superbad. Movies like that all act as propaganda for the notion that young men can only get sex through supreme effort, thanks to the recalcitrance of young women, and that a guy’s journey through life is one long exercising in begging and cajoling and impressing in pursuit of sex.

So why is this bad?

First, it’s just factually wrong. Women, or the vast majority of them at any rate, are sexual beings with their own sexual desires. They get horny, they want, and yes, they have sex sometimes only for the pleasure of having sex. (I cannot tell you how many times I was told by other dudes, in my 20s, that women only ever have sex out of a desire to get something else than sex, like commitment.) I could go into a whole thing about why - specifically millions of years of evolution - but suffice to say that the idea that women don’t desire sex in and of itself is wrong.

Second, the deprivation model hurts women. It suggests that their sexual desire is something pathological and wrong. It contributes to cultural belief that a woman who has casual sex is of low character. It inhibits their ability to pursue sex and pleasure according to their own instincts and preferences, rather than to follow a set script about when a woman is “permitted” to have sex. It’s part of a long human tradition of viewing women as something to be cloistered and protected from the world, which infantilizes them and limits their autonomy. And while I don’t think sexual assault has any simplistic or unitary causes, teaching generations of men that sex is both the greatest source of validation they can receive and something that they can only obtain against women’s resistance seems like a recipe for routine sexual aggression.

What I also want to highlight here is that the deprivation model hurts men too. It hurts them because it distorts their sense of the possible, romantically and sexually, in a way that makes them unhappy - and, in a real ugly twist, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The deprivation model makes men less likely to get laid.

I think the most unfortunate cliché in our sexual culture is the idea that women want confident men. Confidence, confidence, confidence, it’s drilled into you endlessly as a young man. The trouble is that most dudes don’t know how to perform confidence, and if you go to any meat market bar on a weekend night you’ll see guys literally puff out their chests as they go to approach a woman and then go down in flames. It’s useless advice. Confidence is perhaps a byproduct of what’s important, but it’s not the thing itself: ease. Being relaxed. Being laid back. Not thinking that the conversation that’s about to be had is a big deal. That’s what’s important if you’re going in cold to pick somebody up, appearing to be interested but not too invested in the outcome. Like they say in sports, act like you’ve been there before. It’s not mysterious; nobody likes awkward encounters, and if you’re approached by someone who’s clearly very invested in how you respond, it’s going to be awkward. Men should approach women with the mindset that if they’re successful, great, but if not, it’s no big deal, that they’ve picked people up before and you will again. That not only results in making you appear more desirable, it also makes failed attempts far less awkward for both parties. I concede that you can’t just make yourself relaxed any more than you can just make yourself confident, but being relaxed is a much more useful plan.

The deprivation model makes this impossible. Men who see sex as this rare and unobtainable thing are always going to treat chatting someone up or asking them out as a very big deal. If your model is that women don’t want sex by nature, then you’ve got to do some heroic cajoling and charming to get them to perhaps go along with you; you expect to get rejected rather than to succeed. That’s a recipe for tense, nervous, awkward exchanges, and no one wants to perpetuate a tense, nervous, awkward conversation. In contrast, if you let go of the deprivation model and recognize that women sometimes want sex too, and in fact that they might sometimes even want to have sex with you!, then your approach will be far more natural and relaxed and thus appealing. Indeed, I think nothing makes a man more successful in their skill at chatting up women than having done so successfully in the past, as it’s proof positive that it happens and isn’t some miracle, but rather a thing that consenting heterosexual adults do every day. Getting laid is thus a virtuous cycle.

It should go without saying that you should be approaching people only in an appropriate scenario and context, and that you absolutely must take no for an answer when in fact no is the answer, as it often will be. Don't be a creep.

This tweet’s message became a meme. Of course a lot of guys got offended by it. Certainly it’s rude and unnecessary, but I don’t feel threatened by it. Maybe dick is abundant and low value, but my dick is precious and rare, thank you. And the obvious response is simply to say that pussy’s not exactly a scarce commodity, either. There’s like 4 billion vaginas walking around out there. The trouble with the tweet is that it perpetuates the deprivation model: the suggestion that women are sexually precious and men are not may be superficially gratifying to women, but ultimately it hurts women as much as anyone. We want instead to cultivate the communal understanding that, while any individual might want to have sex very rarely or not at all, consensual sex (in or out of a relationship) is a normal, common, fun thing that we shouldn’t invest with more anxiety or importance than we have to. Having sex isn’t some brass ring that can only be achieved through a mythical quest. It’s just sex, and that’s cool, that’s fine. It’s more fun when it isn’t that big of a deal.

My point is certainly not that everyone has an equal shot, that everybody has the same range of sexual opportunity. Obviously that’s not true. Attraction is one of the least fair, least equitable factors in human life. Even the most ardent genetic denialists can't dispute that some people are just born beautiful. Some of us (men and women) will face more rejection, have to work harder, and have fewer options than others. I know it can be really hard. My point here is that the cultural expectation that women are sexless beings who should only be pursued, and who should engage in sex only rarely and after major effort is sexist and makes romantic life harder than it has to be.

People get laid, every day. It happens all the time. If you’re out there consistently and there’s not some sort of extreme extenuating circumstances, you will eventually get laid. You do have to keep putting it out there, though, and really doing it - that thing where you try and shoot your shot but act like you aren’t to save face if rejected does not work. Don’t hedge! You don’t have to - if you strike out, there’s always tomorrow. You’ve got to be bold, and there’s always the chance of rejection. And being rejected does hurt. It sucks. But if you throw it out there often enough and get rejected enough you find that it’s not a big deal, and you get much better at maneuvering away from the situation with a little dignity preserved. I’m happily in a relationship now and glad not to have to navigate the sexual marketplace anymore, but in my day I was rejected plenty of times. But you win, too, and more often than you think you will, if you just throw it out there, and I think a lot of guys would be truly surprised at how far they can go by just saying, hey, how about me? Respectfully, assertively but never aggressively, and in an appropriate scenario.

It’s just sex, not the keys to the kingdom, not some precious flower. It’s a fun cool thing adults do, and it’s no big deal. So ask for it, and every once in awhile, you’ll meet someone who wants to give it to you. More importantly, don’t play along with a culture that pathologizes women’s desire and treats their natural state as a fortress of denial and sexlessness. That’s bad for all of us.