I've heard a lot of mothers complain about lack of sleep or lack of time. Is this not a problem that could be solved with money, i.e., hire a nanny/night nanny, or spend a few nights in a hotel to catch up on sleep?
I understand that not everyone has that much money, and some people might feel obligated to stay with the baby at night to …
I've heard a lot of mothers complain about lack of sleep or lack of time. Is this not a problem that could be solved with money, i.e., hire a nanny/night nanny, or spend a few nights in a hotel to catch up on sleep?
I understand that not everyone has that much money, and some people might feel obligated to stay with the baby at night to breastfeed. But am I being naive to think that if you have money and are not wedded to only breastfeeding, this would be less of a problem?
It is in theory, but it's not a minor amount of money (a regular teenager-type babysitter around here in small town PA is $17-20/hr) and small babies are just so, so needy. Not just for milk but for parental affection. Every parent I've known has felt horrible leaving them with someone else early on...and also craved it incredibly...leading to the confused brain-breaking guilty doublethink of PPD.
Anyway, I needed this post today. I'm sure as Phoebe said the physical effects of pregnancy can play a big part in it, but you can also get PPD as a father, or an adoptive parent (or both). It's just such a major life change and the crash from "wanting this so very badly" to "what have I done with my life" is pretty severe.
Newborns wake up to feed every couple of hours, and crucially, many will not sleep alone. They cry unless someone holds them. This would be fine if we could curl up with our babies and co-sleep, but NOPE that’s unsafe because of SIDS.
If you’re breastfeeding, you have to nurse or pump every few hours. And even if you’re not, you can easily spend 24 hours trying and failing to get the baby to sleep on his own. If your baby isn’t a good sleeper, and you don’t have someone who can take shifts, you’re fucked. My spouse only got one week of leave, so we had to split the night in half.
In theory, I could have hired someone. I was committed to breastfeeding, so I didn’t. Also it would have been emotionally difficult when I knew my baby was crying for me. It sounds easy to hire someone, but it means not breastfeeding and spending a lot of money (my son didn't start sleeping on his own until 5 months--not through the night, just on his own at all.)
>It sounds easy to hire someone, but it means not breastfeeding and spending a lot of money...
That actually...sounds pretty easy. I mean, it's costly, but I think a reasonable person would do a lot to avoid chronic sleep deprivation. Because sleep deprivation is just horrible—it lowers your IQ, feels terrible, it can trigger or worsen mental illness and it's dangerous if you ever need to drive or make important decisions. I've heard the cost of a night nurse estimated at 800/week, and I'd pay that.
But I also would never tolerate a partner who took only one week of leave! So sorry you had to deal with that level of disengagement.
I had enough money for this, and we had a wet nurse for a couple weeks for our 2nd kid. It’s tough to explain why it didn’t work well. It was upsetting for my wife, and even me a little. It just didn’t feel right. Not looking after your baby can feel worse than the lack of sleep. Plus as others have pointed out, it doesn’t work out as smoothly as you’d imagine.
Really the best thing is to have parents and friends near by to help out and give you a break every once and a while.
Having someone who can come over and wash the dishes, do your laundry or just hold the baby for 2-3 hours while you get uninterrupted sleep is a life saver. Those first 6-10 weeks can be very difficult, especially with the first child.
If you haven’t experienced PPD, this might seem like a good solution. In my case, my PPD robbed me of the ability to sleep. It wouldn’t have mattered if there had been a nurse there to help. I had so much anxiety that as I was dropping off to sleep, if I heard even the tiniest rustle somewhere in the apartment, I would get a huge adrenalin rush, my heart would race (and not stop for hours), and all hope of sleeping was over for the night.
I looked into a night nanny, thinking we could spend the money to have someone come over once a week to watch the newborn all night. Then, we could at least have one night of sleep a week. No one would not come unless they were hired for at least 5 days a week, and it was too expensive.
First off, a lot of people who can hire a night nanny... do hire one. This is a thing, someone in my prenatal class did this, a wealthy acquaintance in my neighborhood also did, doubtless more people I'm not thinking of/who don't advertise it. It's a problem some absolutely do address with money.
I say "address" but not solve because... yes there are reasons even some who can afford this route don't take it. The part at the beginning where you stay up all night is... a bonding experience with the baby and in a way with your partner? A rite of passage?
And then there's the kicking-can-down-the-road aspect, where (I'd imagine) if you get used to someone else dealing with baby-stuff at night, and then are suddenly dealing with it on your own. Unless it's a Downton Abbey situation where the help never ends!
I've heard a lot of mothers complain about lack of sleep or lack of time. Is this not a problem that could be solved with money, i.e., hire a nanny/night nanny, or spend a few nights in a hotel to catch up on sleep?
I understand that not everyone has that much money, and some people might feel obligated to stay with the baby at night to breastfeed. But am I being naive to think that if you have money and are not wedded to only breastfeeding, this would be less of a problem?
It is in theory, but it's not a minor amount of money (a regular teenager-type babysitter around here in small town PA is $17-20/hr) and small babies are just so, so needy. Not just for milk but for parental affection. Every parent I've known has felt horrible leaving them with someone else early on...and also craved it incredibly...leading to the confused brain-breaking guilty doublethink of PPD.
Anyway, I needed this post today. I'm sure as Phoebe said the physical effects of pregnancy can play a big part in it, but you can also get PPD as a father, or an adoptive parent (or both). It's just such a major life change and the crash from "wanting this so very badly" to "what have I done with my life" is pretty severe.
Newborns wake up to feed every couple of hours, and crucially, many will not sleep alone. They cry unless someone holds them. This would be fine if we could curl up with our babies and co-sleep, but NOPE that’s unsafe because of SIDS.
If you’re breastfeeding, you have to nurse or pump every few hours. And even if you’re not, you can easily spend 24 hours trying and failing to get the baby to sleep on his own. If your baby isn’t a good sleeper, and you don’t have someone who can take shifts, you’re fucked. My spouse only got one week of leave, so we had to split the night in half.
In theory, I could have hired someone. I was committed to breastfeeding, so I didn’t. Also it would have been emotionally difficult when I knew my baby was crying for me. It sounds easy to hire someone, but it means not breastfeeding and spending a lot of money (my son didn't start sleeping on his own until 5 months--not through the night, just on his own at all.)
>It sounds easy to hire someone, but it means not breastfeeding and spending a lot of money...
That actually...sounds pretty easy. I mean, it's costly, but I think a reasonable person would do a lot to avoid chronic sleep deprivation. Because sleep deprivation is just horrible—it lowers your IQ, feels terrible, it can trigger or worsen mental illness and it's dangerous if you ever need to drive or make important decisions. I've heard the cost of a night nurse estimated at 800/week, and I'd pay that.
But I also would never tolerate a partner who took only one week of leave! So sorry you had to deal with that level of disengagement.
I had enough money for this, and we had a wet nurse for a couple weeks for our 2nd kid. It’s tough to explain why it didn’t work well. It was upsetting for my wife, and even me a little. It just didn’t feel right. Not looking after your baby can feel worse than the lack of sleep. Plus as others have pointed out, it doesn’t work out as smoothly as you’d imagine.
Really the best thing is to have parents and friends near by to help out and give you a break every once and a while.
Having someone who can come over and wash the dishes, do your laundry or just hold the baby for 2-3 hours while you get uninterrupted sleep is a life saver. Those first 6-10 weeks can be very difficult, especially with the first child.
If you haven’t experienced PPD, this might seem like a good solution. In my case, my PPD robbed me of the ability to sleep. It wouldn’t have mattered if there had been a nurse there to help. I had so much anxiety that as I was dropping off to sleep, if I heard even the tiniest rustle somewhere in the apartment, I would get a huge adrenalin rush, my heart would race (and not stop for hours), and all hope of sleeping was over for the night.
I looked into a night nanny, thinking we could spend the money to have someone come over once a week to watch the newborn all night. Then, we could at least have one night of sleep a week. No one would not come unless they were hired for at least 5 days a week, and it was too expensive.
First off, a lot of people who can hire a night nanny... do hire one. This is a thing, someone in my prenatal class did this, a wealthy acquaintance in my neighborhood also did, doubtless more people I'm not thinking of/who don't advertise it. It's a problem some absolutely do address with money.
I say "address" but not solve because... yes there are reasons even some who can afford this route don't take it. The part at the beginning where you stay up all night is... a bonding experience with the baby and in a way with your partner? A rite of passage?
And then there's the kicking-can-down-the-road aspect, where (I'd imagine) if you get used to someone else dealing with baby-stuff at night, and then are suddenly dealing with it on your own. Unless it's a Downton Abbey situation where the help never ends!