I think this is it -- and I think people have always had this instinct. But my theory is that in the past, people had more kids and simply couldn't tend to all of their needs at once and just had to let them figure things out themselves more often. Now that people have fewer kids it's easier to helicopter.
I think this is it -- and I think people have always had this instinct. But my theory is that in the past, people had more kids and simply couldn't tend to all of their needs at once and just had to let them figure things out themselves more often. Now that people have fewer kids it's easier to helicopter.
There was also just an actual poverty-based role to it that's often absent in helicopter parents. I have friends with dairy farms who let their kids sit in front of tablets for a couple hours a day because they just need them out of the way while they manage large animals and heavy machinery. I let my kids climb on the furniture and wrestle with each other, while shouting at them from the other room to stop, because I need to fix crap in my house myself and not pay $300 for a plumber to come in. If you're a stay-at-home mom and your husband makes $300,000/year, just sitting there reading a book while your kid gets in trouble feels lazy. You might feel guilty about quitting your job, or bored. You're probably not letting him watch Paw Patrol all day while you take care of things - you quit your job to Parent Him Right and it's really hard to do nothing. My great grandparents probably wished they could leave their cows in the fields every time my grandpa hiccupped, too, but they just couldn't. They had to be constantly busy and either find a confined way to keep the kids occupied or let them tag along and discipline them (corporally, if necessary) to keep them from getting killed or costing the farm a ton of money by breaking stuff.
Having more kids definitely helped me avoid some helicopter parenting. If you have a partner and only 1 or 2 kids, you likely can schedule your kids endlessly, whereas it takes herculean effort if you have 4 or more.
It can advantage the kids too, oddly. My fourth child is much more of a free spirit (or rather, a stereotypical boy), and he gets to be, in part because I'm tired, exhausted and too busy. It's lucky for him that he wasn't my first, when I would have had more time to apply a more authoritative approach.
I don't know if they DID always have this instinct. I am almost certain my parents did not give a shit and it certainly didn't make them viscerally hurt on an empathetic level when I was upset as a kid. If often just really annoyed and pissed them off. Same with my friends and their parents. There was a lot more "I'll give you something to cry about" back then, and expectations of controlling your emotions so you don't piss off your parents.
In fact, now that I think about it, I recall my friend's parents purposely inventing faked consequences for things just to upset their kid and teach them a lesson. Like my friend left her bike on the driveway, and her parents took bike to Salvation Army and told their daughter it was stolen, to teach her not to leave it out again. She cried for hours and they were very proud of that result.. that kind of thing wasn't at all unusual. At my swim lessons at the YMCA when it was a kid, the instructors would make every single one of us cry every lesson and the parents thought it was hilarious...I have photos my dad took of a bunch of five year olds lined up in swimsuits crying. But hey, we all learned to swim and jump off the diving board.
I think parents really did not used to care so much about their kids being upset. Something has changed. Maybe just there were more unwanted births back then and more people who didn't want to be parents, I'm not sure. The lots of kids things doesn't fully explain it either. My dad had my brother when I was 17 and the way he raised him was SOOO different. He was a hundred times more indulgent and involved and helicopters. That was the same guy. He just changed with the culture or perhaps older parents are more likely to be like this.
I was born very late 70s so yeah, mostly raised in the 80s and first half of the 90s. My brother was born mid 90s and the way he was raised (by same parents and same daycare I went to) was already very VERY different from me and much more intensive and indulgent.
Also my sister was born in 1970 and things were even harsher for her. Since my siblings are so spread apart (25 years between first and last) it's a pretty interesting comparison within the same family and we were all treated very differently, from borderline neglect and very harsh treatment of the first to over indulgence resulting in a pretty spoiled kid with the last. Of course I was in the sweet spot middle so I don't turned out perfect. ;)
But the same family also reflected not just cultural trends because my parents were way too young with their first and very old with their last (mid 40s). They were also poor students when they had their first and upper middle class professionals by their last. So all the trends...being older, more money and education, and cultural trends towards helicoptering worked together.
The results between the three of us siblings are almost exactly how you'd expect, though we all turned out fine. Youngest is definitely a bit spoiled and helpless/entitled. My sister who had a very harsh childhood didn't really helicopter her own kids but she is very involved in their lives and a beat friend type with zero discipline. I think a lot of older Gen X perhaps reacted to their own harsher upbringing by trying to be much nicer to their kids. Maybe those kids will swing back in the other direction if it doesn't end up working out for them, who knows.
I think this is it -- and I think people have always had this instinct. But my theory is that in the past, people had more kids and simply couldn't tend to all of their needs at once and just had to let them figure things out themselves more often. Now that people have fewer kids it's easier to helicopter.
There was also just an actual poverty-based role to it that's often absent in helicopter parents. I have friends with dairy farms who let their kids sit in front of tablets for a couple hours a day because they just need them out of the way while they manage large animals and heavy machinery. I let my kids climb on the furniture and wrestle with each other, while shouting at them from the other room to stop, because I need to fix crap in my house myself and not pay $300 for a plumber to come in. If you're a stay-at-home mom and your husband makes $300,000/year, just sitting there reading a book while your kid gets in trouble feels lazy. You might feel guilty about quitting your job, or bored. You're probably not letting him watch Paw Patrol all day while you take care of things - you quit your job to Parent Him Right and it's really hard to do nothing. My great grandparents probably wished they could leave their cows in the fields every time my grandpa hiccupped, too, but they just couldn't. They had to be constantly busy and either find a confined way to keep the kids occupied or let them tag along and discipline them (corporally, if necessary) to keep them from getting killed or costing the farm a ton of money by breaking stuff.
God I wish you could get a plumber here to come and fix a small thing for less than $2000-3000. One of the things I miss about living in TN
Having more kids definitely helped me avoid some helicopter parenting. If you have a partner and only 1 or 2 kids, you likely can schedule your kids endlessly, whereas it takes herculean effort if you have 4 or more.
It can advantage the kids too, oddly. My fourth child is much more of a free spirit (or rather, a stereotypical boy), and he gets to be, in part because I'm tired, exhausted and too busy. It's lucky for him that he wasn't my first, when I would have had more time to apply a more authoritative approach.
I don't know if they DID always have this instinct. I am almost certain my parents did not give a shit and it certainly didn't make them viscerally hurt on an empathetic level when I was upset as a kid. If often just really annoyed and pissed them off. Same with my friends and their parents. There was a lot more "I'll give you something to cry about" back then, and expectations of controlling your emotions so you don't piss off your parents.
In fact, now that I think about it, I recall my friend's parents purposely inventing faked consequences for things just to upset their kid and teach them a lesson. Like my friend left her bike on the driveway, and her parents took bike to Salvation Army and told their daughter it was stolen, to teach her not to leave it out again. She cried for hours and they were very proud of that result.. that kind of thing wasn't at all unusual. At my swim lessons at the YMCA when it was a kid, the instructors would make every single one of us cry every lesson and the parents thought it was hilarious...I have photos my dad took of a bunch of five year olds lined up in swimsuits crying. But hey, we all learned to swim and jump off the diving board.
I think parents really did not used to care so much about their kids being upset. Something has changed. Maybe just there were more unwanted births back then and more people who didn't want to be parents, I'm not sure. The lots of kids things doesn't fully explain it either. My dad had my brother when I was 17 and the way he raised him was SOOO different. He was a hundred times more indulgent and involved and helicopters. That was the same guy. He just changed with the culture or perhaps older parents are more likely to be like this.
Lol all fair points. When did you grow up, the 80s? I grew up in the 90s and this seems about 20% more "tough love" than I ever saw in my childhood
I was born very late 70s so yeah, mostly raised in the 80s and first half of the 90s. My brother was born mid 90s and the way he was raised (by same parents and same daycare I went to) was already very VERY different from me and much more intensive and indulgent.
Also my sister was born in 1970 and things were even harsher for her. Since my siblings are so spread apart (25 years between first and last) it's a pretty interesting comparison within the same family and we were all treated very differently, from borderline neglect and very harsh treatment of the first to over indulgence resulting in a pretty spoiled kid with the last. Of course I was in the sweet spot middle so I don't turned out perfect. ;)
But the same family also reflected not just cultural trends because my parents were way too young with their first and very old with their last (mid 40s). They were also poor students when they had their first and upper middle class professionals by their last. So all the trends...being older, more money and education, and cultural trends towards helicoptering worked together.
The results between the three of us siblings are almost exactly how you'd expect, though we all turned out fine. Youngest is definitely a bit spoiled and helpless/entitled. My sister who had a very harsh childhood didn't really helicopter her own kids but she is very involved in their lives and a beat friend type with zero discipline. I think a lot of older Gen X perhaps reacted to their own harsher upbringing by trying to be much nicer to their kids. Maybe those kids will swing back in the other direction if it doesn't end up working out for them, who knows.